Never let go...

This is to the love of my life, my best friend... The owner of my heart, my lord/Master, my Daddy... Luis. I fucking love you so much. I hope you read this.. and I pray you'll cherish this and hold it near your heart. This is from my heart to yours. Thank you SO much for all you've done for me and for all you've given me. I can never repay you for all you've given.... but I pray for the day I can begin trying.

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When I first began this blog, I promised to try to keep it up. Due to life's many circumstances, I haven't been able to. One of my earlier posts, and one of the most meaningful, took place the evening of November 7, 2008. It was the night before I was to drive to Mississippi to pick up the man I wanted to spend my life with, Luis. I was nervous, scared, shaking... and I had bg's (bubble guts) that just wouldn't quit lol. Today, I'm experiencing all of those things... and then some.
On June 9, 2010, Luis left me while I was at work. He didn't tell me why... I came home to a roommate that had to give me the news... and a video on our digital camera. I understand why he left me the way he did. He knew if I knew he was going, I would have stayed home... talked him out of it, or tried to make him stay. The boy had no chance. As much as I understand it, I don't agree with it. I'm not angry though Daddy... and I don't hate you.

In the video, Luis said he had no opportunities here... and then stated he did, but he'd have to put his nose to it. There are theories abound as to why he REALLY left, and whether or not he'll ever come home to me. He stated he loved me so much... but not enough to stay and miss what may be... even though he promised me months ago he was staying. He also said he had struggled with this decision so much... and he had cried over this (others stated they saw it.)

In the video, Luis also left me with some GREAT advice. He reminded me to live life, and to never let the small things hold me down. He told me to never be a pushover... or let anyone walk on me. There were so many things that he's taught me in our time together. His video reminded me of the many promises I had made to him... and all of the promises I will remain to stand true by. I will continue to stay loyal...

In this separation, I have been pushed into my true Juggalette soul. In our last months together, we had been participating in several activities I was raised to not do. That was the beginning of my transformation to my original "I don't care what you think of me or what I do. I do what feels right to me at that time" self. In this pain, I have entered a dark, maniacal, careless/reckless, shameless part of my life where I can say without a doubt I'm a full-fledged Juggalette. Not only is Luis my love... my Daddy......... He's also Fam. I cannot betray loyalty two fold. I will continue to show my loyalty for as long as I choose.

I have decided to make my promises and vows public so I can show my honesty... my heart. I can hold myself accountable to what I want to uphold and continue to give to you....

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I promise I will continue to be yours. You are the one I have never gotten over, no mater how many opportunities I had. You were the first true thing in my life... and you were there constantly for 6 years. You embraced the beast side of me... and encouraged the beauty to flourish. You accepted me as a female who had to shave her face every day. You found me... you pulled me out of the wreckage.

I promise to never get lost again.

I promise to not cut out of pain and depression.... only for feasting (and I do that only under your eyes).

I promise to try to take as best care of myself as possible. I will admit, these last few days I haven't been taking my medication... But I haven't been eating. I now figured "Fuck it" if I feel bad. I need to do as you have told me to do.

I promise to always stay true to myself. I know who I am. I have been forced into discovering that knowledge.

I promise to continue following my daily rules... embracing my inner and outer beauty and showing it to the world. I will keep in a manner as though you'd be coming home any day.
I promise to take care of the boys. They love and miss you so much. Every time I come over, they keep looking up for you.

I promise to take great care of our bad bitch... and improve her along the way.

I promise to never let go....

I promise to continue loving you with all the love of the universe... from every corner and reach of my mind... from the depths of my soul, and with every fiber of my being.

There are so many other things I do promise.... they escape me. This will be understood by who it's supposed to be understand by. This blog will continue... but not like it used to. This will document my transformation over time... and show to my love I will never let go.

They say whenever God closes a door, a new one opens. I pray this is only one door in a set of revolving doors that leads me right back to you...

- Your SLP, Your Little One, Your Starr, Your Best Friend, Your Fiance.... Your Princess.

I miss you....