Thursday, July 1, 2010

On my mind... confiscated by Elizabeth

Outside my window... It's dark, damp and muggy. Damn Hurricane Alex

I am thinking... "Where the crap are you right now??" haha... I'm anxiously awaiting a call from my love....

I am thankful for... Wrongs done right... love... miracles and my friends.

I'm wearing... My fave black star skull shirt and capris.

I am remembering... Junior high and high school. OH EM GEE

I am creating... a new blog entry?? HAHAHAHAHAHA no creations just yet

I am going... Nucking Futts!!!! Luis is on his way back home, and it's a freakin 2 day bus trip *has conniption* CALL ME! hahahaha

I am reading... This blog....

Song that is playing over and over in my head... I've been on this HUGE Outkast kick lol

I am hoping... That the rain will finally stop for the 4th of July so I can spend time with my baby and our friends.

Noticing that... Miracles do come true.

From the kitchen... we normally get fudz... but not tonight. Hmmmm... cheesy gordita crunch anyone??

Around the house... Jesus... wtf!! haha. are we completing your thoughts here?? There's clutter... and kitty stuffs, and more clutter. But it's "scomfy"

One of my favorite things... The smell of familiarity. Not necessarily anything that's pleasing to everyone. for me... the scent of him. Wakin up to the scent of him and smiling.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Work all this week, starting tomorrow, until next Friday. Daddy finally gets home tomorrow morning and I'm so flippin happy! So... between work, spending some time wiff himmmmm

A picture I would like to share...

Been playing in makeup... hehehehehehehehe

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Never let go...

This is to the love of my life, my best friend... The owner of my heart, my lord/Master, my Daddy... Luis. I fucking love you so much. I hope you read this.. and I pray you'll cherish this and hold it near your heart. This is from my heart to yours. Thank you SO much for all you've done for me and for all you've given me. I can never repay you for all you've given.... but I pray for the day I can begin trying.

When I first began this blog, I promised to try to keep it up. Due to life's many circumstances, I haven't been able to. One of my earlier posts, and one of the most meaningful, took place the evening of November 7, 2008. It was the night before I was to drive to Mississippi to pick up the man I wanted to spend my life with, Luis. I was nervous, scared, shaking... and I had bg's (bubble guts) that just wouldn't quit lol. Today, I'm experiencing all of those things... and then some.
On June 9, 2010, Luis left me while I was at work. He didn't tell me why... I came home to a roommate that had to give me the news... and a video on our digital camera. I understand why he left me the way he did. He knew if I knew he was going, I would have stayed home... talked him out of it, or tried to make him stay. The boy had no chance. As much as I understand it, I don't agree with it. I'm not angry though Daddy... and I don't hate you.
In the video, Luis said he had no opportunities here... and then stated he did, but he'd have to put his nose to it. There are theories abound as to why he REALLY left, and whether or not he'll ever come home to me. He stated he loved me so much... but not enough to stay and miss what may be... even though he promised me months ago he was staying. He also said he had struggled with this decision so much... and he had cried over this (others stated they saw it.)

In the video, Luis also left me with some GREAT advice. He reminded me to live life, and to never let the small things hold me down. He told me to never be a pushover... or let anyone walk on me. There were so many things that he's taught me in our time together. His video reminded me of the many promises I had made to him... and all of the promises I will remain to stand true by. I will continue to stay loyal...

In this separation, I have been pushed into my true Juggalette soul. In our last months together, we had been participating in several activities I was raised to not do. That was the beginning of my transformation to my original "I don't care what you think of me or what I do. I do what feels right to me at that time" self. In this pain, I have entered a dark, maniacal, careless/reckless, shameless part of my life where I can say without a doubt I'm a full-fledged Juggalette. Not only is Luis my love... my Daddy......... He's also Fam. I cannot betray loyalty two fold. I will continue to show my loyalty for as long as I choose.

I have decided to make my promises and vows public so I can show my honesty... my heart. I can hold myself accountable to what I want to uphold and continue to give to you....
I promise I will continue to be yours. You are the one I have never gotten over, no mater how many opportunities I had. You were the first true thing in my life... and you were there constantly for 6 years. You embraced the beast side of me... and encouraged the beauty to flourish. You accepted me as a female who had to shave her face every day. You found me... you pulled me out of the wreckage.

I promise to never get lost again.

I promise to not cut out of pain and depression.... only for feasting (and I do that only under your eyes).

I promise to try to take as best care of myself as possible. I will admit, these last few days I haven't been taking my medication... But I haven't been eating. I now figured "Fuck it" if I feel bad. I need to do as you have told me to do.

I promise to always stay true to myself. I know who I am. I have been forced into discovering that knowledge.

I promise to continue following my daily rules... embracing my inner and outer beauty and showing it to the world. I will keep in a manner as though you'd be coming home any day.
I promise to take care of the boys. They love and miss you so much. Every time I come over, they keep looking up for you.

I promise to take great care of our bad bitch... and improve her along the way.

I promise to never let go....

I promise to continue loving you with all the love of the universe... from every corner and reach of my mind... from the depths of my soul, and with every fiber of my being.
There are so many other things I do promise.... they escape me. This will be understood by who it's supposed to be understand by. This blog will continue... but not like it used to. This will document my transformation over time... and show to my love I will never let go.

They say whenever God closes a door, a new one opens. I pray this is only one door in a set of revolving doors that leads me right back to you...

- Your SLP, Your Little One, Your Starr, Your Best Friend, Your Fiance.... Your Princess.

I miss you....

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hey hey hey

Okay, so when I first created this blogging account I said I'd try to stay on top of it. So, to my ONE and only follower (my bestest, Liz), and whoever out there in the interbutts space that MAY come across my blog... yeah, I lead a boring life.
So, over 2 months since my last post, there ARE tons of updates, I am happy to say. At least my life isn't SO boring that nothing doesn't happen in 2 months lol.

So, at the beginning of the year, I posted how smitten I was with Luis, and I still am. He is so freakin wonderful. We did go through quite a few problems with other people tryin to pull us away from each other. So, we did what any logical, normal person would do (this is us we're talkin about) and we deleted every yahoo, fubar, myspace account we had separately and made a few share accounts. If you're gonna do it, do it big! Now, there's no question what one or the others doing. There ARE more updates!!!!....At the beginning of February, we moved out of my parents house!!! THANK GOD! We were so ecstatic! We now live with my friend I've known since kindergarten (Randy), his wife (Amanda), and their adorable 9 month old son (Clayten). Feb 10, I turned 24, Feb 25 he turned 30..... and on his birthday I cut most of my hair off!!!! My bestest, Liz, turned 22 Feb 26th, and her boyfriend got to come see her and see his daughter (Liv) for the first time!!!!!! It's been an exciting month of changes!!!!

I do have more to add.... I have some emotions to spill and ish...but that will wait for another post. I've spent enough time on here, going back and forth from page to page, and it's time to skidattle. But I'll be back soon! I promise.

Friday, January 2, 2009

It's been sooo long!!!!

Ok, I know I said when I first started this blog that I would keep up with it. But this one can't be blamed on me... it's not my fault! I can't control all of the technological world! The night before I left to go get Luis from Mississippi, I turned off the computer after doing a full system scan, and now.... it's dead. So... blah.... I guess I should ramble out all the updates:

First of all, Happy LATE LATE LATE Thanksgiving, Merry Late Christmas, and Happy New Year. I hope everyone had some great holidays. Mine were great for the mere fact I had Luis with me. I had my family around me, and even got to see my brother for the first time since his motorcycle accident in August. This year I feel truly blessed.

I know my last blog was the night before I was going to go get Luis. That had to of been the LONGEST time I've been in a car, EVER. First of all, the drive was through COUNTRY. The only city I can recall really going through is Houston. Then, just the anticipation of getting there, being face to face finally. In 8 hours or so, that all builds up. I was shakin by the time I got there. And... my cell service dropped out 1 hour into the drive, so I was basically alone. But when I got there, things just clicked into place, or well it did for me. I'm not sure about him. But I think it was kind apparent with how we felt. I mean, I couldn't stop smiling or touching him. I couldn't believe that this man I've adored for SO long was finally by my side, where I've felt, heart and soul, he's always belonged.

And, almost 2 months later... I'm still as smitten. I still think he's so gorgeous, he makes my knees tremble. I still have a hard time realizing that he's HERE.... I never thought I'd have a chance with someone like him. He's just so awesome, and I'm falling more and more. It drives me crazy that when he's in an asshole mood or whatever, I can't just NOT CARE what he thinks about me. I do care what he thinks, maybe sometimes more than I think I should. But in my mind, I've been his submissive for so long, it's embedded in me. So.... I feel myself feeling insecure around him at times. I dunno... he's just so much in my eyes, I really do adore him. I just want to be as much to him. I can honestly say, though, I'm the happiest I've been in ages. I just wish I could show him, make him feel, how he makes me feel. I just wanna be his Princess for ever......

Other than that, things are going. I'm on the first vacation of my working life EVER. And to think.... I'm looking for yet another job. I need more money, better hours.... and an all over better job. Uhm.... my beautiful "love child" Olivia is just sprouting like nothing else. She's so gorgeous and perfect, I just wish I could be there to see her grow up. *le sigh* But I have to say, she's got the bestestestest mother ever, so I know she'll be taken care of. She's in great hands....

Okay, so the library is closing pretty soon, I'm gonna start wrapping things up. Whoever reads this... take care, God bless.... HAPPY 2009!!!


Friday, November 7, 2008


Oh my God, this is it. The impact of what I'm about to do is finally settling in on me. What am I about to do? I'm about to get up at 4 am, leave at 6 am... to drive 7.5 hours to Mississippi. And what is in Mississippi? My long distance boyfriend of 4.5 years.... I'd like to see him as my husband to be though. What's making me so damn nervous, though, is the simple fact we've never actually been with each other. Yes, that's right... face to face, we're strangers.

But we've lived these past years of our lives together, talking regularly on the telephone, doing anything we could to make each other feel as apart of our lives as we really are. We haven't been able to make this leap for many reasons. A lot of it has to do with human nature. We got scared quite a few times. I'd have to say, I've never loved another man as much as I do him. He's owned my heart since day 1 and that has scared me every day since then. Then there are other things... but mainly, money issues. We're young, still tryin to make our living.

Now, we're in the position where it's "Do or Die". His living situation with his roomies isn't that great, and it was only supposed to be temporary. I have a weekend off... and we both believe it's time. But if it's time, why am I so nervous? Why am I shaking? Is it because I'm so freakin happy, or I'm scared shitless? I can tell you this, I'm totally lit up inside... and everyone sees it. The aniticipation is driving me up the wall, and making me that much more anxious. I'm so happy I finally get to hold him, make sure he's real... and not some thief angel that has totally hijacked my heart.

All I really know is that our lives are about to change in one of the most drastic ways. I can honestly say I've never known anyone who could have the ability to say, "Today, I'm meeting my husband."

I Love You Daddy!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008


So, I tried to make a vow that I would keep up with this lil blogging thing. At the time I created it, I had quite a bit going through my mind. Worries about keeping my relationship with Luis, worried about my brother who had a motorcycle accident a little over 2 months ago. But now, things are just.... well, ALMOST, amazing.

In a little under a week, I'll be making an 8 or so hour journey to go get my love, Luis. It's a day that's been almost 5 years in the making. A lot of people never believed that we would make it this long. And at times, I'm sure neither one of us thought that we would as well. A long distance relationship is not for the weak at heart... and is DEFINITELY not for everyone. I would do it all over again with him, but not for anyone else. I'm not sure I could make it. I have learned, though, you don't have to be face to face with another to actually fall in love with them. In some ways, it can be a bit easier over the phone, or internet. But only for a little while. You get to be lonely. Your heart is full of love, but your arms are empty. It becomes discouraging. But now.... I'm going to get him, he's gonna be here. Things are gonna be rough, but it's gonna be SO much easier with him here. He's my calm, my zen. He can make everything go away, and reappear in the most beautiful light. Things are totally beginning to fall into place.

As for my brother, things are shaping up with him. In August, on his wife's 28th birthday, he was driving home from work on his motorcycle. The idiot wasn't wearing a helmet. A woman ran a stop sign, and going 50 mph, he tried to stop. His rear wheel locked up and he ended up hitting the woman's car, crushing his right leg. 3 surgeries later, including the discovery that he's allergic to morphine, he's doing great. He still has a halo over his entire leg, but he can walk with a cane. One of the first prognosis after the accident is that they may have to amputate. He's bought a guitar and is teaching himself how to play on his own. He can play the opening chords to Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" and a Garth Brooks song. I never thought he'd be doing so well, and healing as quick as he has. I broke down when I found out he had an accident. Both of my uncles have had motorcycle accidents. One of them was landed into a full body cast for an entire summer from it. He's so lucky to be alive.... and I'm so lucky to still have him around. Since he's had the accident, every time he calls our house, he makes sure to ask to talk to me.... some of the times, he just calls for me. This is a far cry from how our relationship once was. We went through the "I Hate You" phase.... we barely talked for the longest time after he moved out. Now... he's the big brother he once was long ago. I owe some of that to his wife. She's calmed him down a lot.

Now... *sighs* I've rambled enough. I'm guilty of the rambling. I guess I'll share a couple of pics of me in my Halloween get up. I've only got the two good pics on here. I have a few more on my cell phone I'm tryin to find. I think my memory card ate them. Anywho, I was a vampire baby doll. I wore a black corset with white stars and some puffy capris that kind of look like bloomers with some flat baby doll looking slippers. But the biggest thing were my vampire fangs. One of my associates complimented my corset, and I opened my mouth to say "Thanks" and she almost fell over. Anyways.... here are the pics!!!

Blog Tag Game...

Ok, so I was tagged by my bestest in her blog to post the 6th picture in my 6th folder. So, here goes.

It's my 6th picture in my family folder, my prettiful momma when she was a lil younger than I, about 20 years old, when she was engaged to my dad.

Sadly, I don't have anyone else to tag, but BAM!!! I did what I was supposed to do!!!!